Osho – Let us laugh a little…. The silence should not become heavy, it should not have weight. Unless your silence learns to dance it becomes a heavy weight.

A flea rushes into the pub just before closing time, orders three large whiskeys, drinks them straight down, rushes out into the street, leaps high into the air and falls flat on his face.
The flea picks himself up shakily and looks all around, “Damn it,” he says, “someone has moved my dog!”

Hannibal Hayne is in Doctor Feelgood’s office for his annual checkup.
“You won’t live out the week,” says the doctor, “if you don’t stop running around after women.”
“But Doc, there is nothing the matter with me,” says Hannibal, pounding his chest with his fist, “I am in great physical shape.”
“Yes, I know,” replies Doctor Feelgood, “but one of the women is my wife.”

Fagin Finkelstein, the lawyer, is engaged to defend a man in court on a rape charge. A huge black woman is testifying that she woke up one morning to discover that she had been raped and that the accused was lying beside her.
“Now, madam, it is very hard to take your story seriously,” sniggers Fagin. “Suppose, for instance, you had woken in the morning and found me lying beside you. What would you think?”
The woman looks Fagin up and down slowly and then remarks, “I would think I had a miscarriage.”

Pitkin, the absent-minded professor and his family are moving house. Mrs. Pitkin knows how forgetful her husband can be and writes the new address on several pieces of paper, putting one in each pocket of the professor’s clothes.
Somehow during the day Professor Pitkin manages to write notes on each piece of paper and then give them away to his students.
In the evening when he drives to the old house, he remembers that he has moved, but has no idea where to. Then he sees some children playing in the street and walks over to them.
“Hey, little girl,” he calls out, “Can you tell me where the Pitkins have moved to?”
“Sure,” replies the girl. “It is just around the corner and three houses along — Daddy!”

Question – Beloved Osho, Please tell us a few more murphy sutras and a few murphy anecdotes too.

Osho – Gandharva, the Murphy sutras are really beautiful!

The first sutra: If wives were good, God would have one.

Second: Some people are born silly, some people acquire silliness, and some fall in love.

Third: After man came woman, and she has been after him ever since.

Fourth: Be thrifty when you are young, and when you are old you will be able to afford the things that only the young can enjoy.

Fifth: Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone.

Sixth: Heredity is something people believe in if they have bright children.

Seventh: When in Rome, do as the Romans do — eat spaghetti.

Eighth: Some men have no solution for any difficulty, but will find a difficulty for any solution.

If you don’t believe in this eighth sutra you can ask Asheesh. He is the perfect personification of this sutra! He has no solution for any difficulty, but you give him any solution and he will find the difficulty!

Ninth: There is no time like the present for postponing what you don’t want to do.

Tenth: Teamwork is essential — it allows you to blame someone else.

Eleventh: You can make it foolproof, but you can’t make it damn foolproof.

Twelfth: The height of futility is to tell a hair-raising story to a bald man.

Thirteenth: What is dumber than a dumb Italian? A dumb Indian.

Fourteenth: Adam was the happiest man on earth. Eve’s mother never told her that nice girls did not do it that way.

Fifteenth: You can’t get there from here, and besides there is no place else to go.

And a few anecdotes about Murphy….

The first: “I am getting more and more absent minded,” said Murphy to a few of his cronies. “Sometimes in the middle of a sentence I….”

“That fellow Bobo is so rude: this morning he was snoring in church!”
“Yes, I know,” said Murphy. “He woke me up!”
Murphy had recently become the father of triplets, and the priest stopped him on the street to congratulate him.
“Well, Murphy,” he said, “so the stork smiled on you.”
“Smiled on me!” exclaimed Murphy. “He laughed out loud!”

One friend met Murphy at the station. “Where are you going?” the friend asked.
“To Paris, for my honeymoon,” said Murphy.
“Without your wife?”
“Listen, when you go to Munich, do you take beer with you?”

One Sunday morning the preacher was ill and could not come to the church to perform his duties, so Murphy was doing his work. He was urging his congregation to sing.
“Now is the opportunity for all of you gifted with wonderful voices to show your gratitude towards the Lord. And for all of you without good voices, this is the time to get even with him!”

Murphy came home an hour earlier than usual and found his wife stark naked in bed. When he asked why, she explained, “I am protesting because I don’t have anything to wear.”
Murphy pulled open the closet door. “That’s ridiculous,” he said, “Look in here. There is a yellow dress, a red dress, a print dress, a pant suit…Hi Chris!…a green dress….”

And the last: The son was sitting at the bedside of the elderly gentleman, Murphy, who was dying. “Where do you want to be buried,” the kid asked, “in Forest Lawn or Hillside Memorial Park?”
The old man creaked up on his elbow and answered, “Surprise me!”

Source – Osho Book “Come, Come, Yet Again Come”

Osho – Now it is time for Sardar Gurudayal Singh.
He seems to be sitting very far away. Just put the light on! Everybody has to see his rainbow-colored turban!

1..
One morning, Mad Melvin, Loony Larry, and Crazy Karl all escape from the Sunnyvale Insane Asylum.
Happy as larks, the three loonies go into town and come upon the construction site of a huge skyscraper. They look around curiously, when suddenly a man in a hard-hat walks up to them.
“Hey, you guys,” shouts Klopski, the job foreman. “Get back to work and finish digging that trench!”

The three loonies all smile and nod in unison, then run around and start working on the trench. A couple of hours later, Klopski comes back to see how they are doing. He is shocked to find Mad Melvin digging furiously, while the other two loonies are standing motionless, holding their shovels in the air.
“What the hell are you doing?” screams Klopski at Loony Larry and Crazy Karl.
“We are street-lights,” replies Loony Larry.
“You must be nuts! You are fired!” shouts Klopski, sending the two loonies away.
But Mad Melvin stops working immediately.
“No,” says Klopski. “Not you, you are working well, just continue your digging.”
“What?” cries Mad Melvin. “In the dark?”

2.
The Medical Corporation of America decides that there is only one way to cure AIDS, and that is with money — lots of money. So they arrange with all three TV networks in America to have a giant AIDS-Telethon, to take place on Saturday night.
The idea is that Rock Hunk, the famous movie star, will make love to five hundred women on TV, while the American public phones in its pledges.
On the big night, Rock Hunk gets up to four hundred and seventy-five women and the money is pouring in. Rockefeller Foundation phones in and donates millions, NASA phones in and donates the funds for the space program. Even Ronald Reagan phones in and donates Nancy’s dress fund. Money is pouring in, and it looks like AIDS is going to be cured for sure.
But when Rock gets to four hundred and ninety-five, he passes out. They throw buckets of iced water on him and he staggers to his feet and wobbles over to the next woman. At four hundred and ninety-eight, it looks like he is really finished, but the woman somehow manages to arouse him, and the money keeps pouring in.
But at four hundred and ninety-nine, Rock passes out, and no one is able to wake him up.
The whole country is furious and everyone phones in and takes back their pledges.
Eventually, George Bush, the host of the show, manages to revive Rock and drag him into the office.
“We almost cured AIDS!” cries Bush. “What the hell happened?”
“I just don’t understand it!” replies Rock. “Everything went fine this morning at the rehearsal!”

3.
Nancy Reagan is walking into the White House dining room to have lunch with Ronald and discuss their retirement plans. Suddenly Alvin Mindbender, a close family friend, races past Nancy in a sweat and disappears down the hall.
Nancy goes on into the dining room, sits down over a big lunch, and starts chatting to Ronnie.
Meanwhile, in the Oval Office, Alvin Mindbender is frantically phoning all over the country to find Vice President Bush, who is finishing up his presidential campaign tour.
Two hours later, in Santa Fe, New Mexico, Alvin at last gets Bush on the line.
“George, thank God!” cries Alvin. “I’ve been trying to reach you for two hours! There has been a terrible tragedy at the White House…!”
Meanwhile, back in the White House dining room, Nancy has just finished her banana split dessert. “Now, Ronald,” she says, wiping her mouth. “I insist we take down those purple and green striped curtains in your bedroom at the ranch-house….”
Suddenly, Alvin, still sweating buckets, bursts into the room. Seeing Nancy chatting to Ronald, he stops dead in his tracks, and his jaw drops open.
“Holy shit, Nancy!” screams Mindbender. “What the hell are you doing? Ronald died two hours ago!”
Nancy, takes a close look at the senile old president. “My goodness,” she says, “how can you tell?”

Osho – My whole effort here is to dissolve all categories and to declare the uniqueness of the individual. Never compare me with anybody else. I am simply myself. Good, bad, holy, unholy, whatsoever I am, I am simply myself. The very idea is disgusting, to be compared with anybody else. God never creates carbon copies, he always creates originals, and everybody comes with his own original face. But Polacks I love — that much I have to concede!

A Polack walks into the office of a circus and offers to jump to the ground from ten meters up, head first, without a net. The manager does not believe this so they go to the stage. The Polack gets up to about ten meters height, takes a deep breath and jumps head first. He crashes down on his head, lies still for a few moments and then gets up.
The manager is fascinated. “That’s incredible!” he exclaims. “I’ll pay you one hundred dollars a night.”
The Polack shakes his head.
“Okay, okay, I’ll pay you three hundred dollars a night.”
“No,” replies the Polack.
“I’ll pay you a thousand dollars!” says the manager.
“No,” says the Polack, “I’ve changed my mind — I don’t want to jump anymore. I didn’t know it would hurt so much!”

A Polack discovered that he had three balls. He was so anxious to tell it to someone that he stopped the first man he met on the road and told him, “Do you want to bet that together we have five balls?”
He lost his bet… the other guy had only one ball!

The Polack woman was dying. With her last breath she turned to her husband and asked, “Before I die, make love to me just one more time.”
The Polack husband answered, “How could you ask me to do such a thing? It will kill you!”
The wife pleaded, “Everyone is entitled to one last request before they die, you should grant me this last wish.”
The Polack replied, “Okay.” He got into bed and made love to her. No sooner did he finish than she hopped out of bed completely cured and ran downstairs and started to flick a chicken and yell into the living room, where her children were sitting, that dinner would be ready in an hour.
The children were astounded and ran up the stairs to their father who was sitting in a chair and crying. They said, “Papa, why are you crying? It’s a miracle! Mama is completely cured!”
He replied, “I know, but when I think what I could have done for Eleanor Roosevelt!”

The Polack mind has its own way of working! It is the most intriguing mind in the world! SPIEGEL has done one good thing — it has reminded me of the Polack Pope.

The old Polack general lived with his young wife in a lonely villa. They kept two guards in front of the house to protect them against intruders.
One night the guards saw that the lights in the general’s bedroom were on for a very long time. Suspicious, they snuck up to the window and peeped in. The general’s wife was lying on the bed naked, looking quite bored. The Polack general, also naked, was anxiously walking around the room with a pistol in his hand.
Suddenly he stopped, looked down at his groin and shouted, “Stand up like a man or I’ll shoot!”

Do you remember the famous proverb: “The bread never falls but on its buttered side?”
However, there is a story of a Polack whose bread fell and landed buttered side up. He ran straight away to the Polack Pope to report this deviance from one of the basic rules of the universe.
At first the Pope would not believe him, but finally became convinced that it had happened. However, he didn’t feel immediately ready to deal with the question and asked for time. He studied hard the old scriptures about it, prayed to God and did all kinds of things to find an infallible answer.
After months of waiting he finally came up with an answer. He said to the Polack, “The bread must have been buttered on the wrong side.”

Question – Come On, Osho, Be a Sport and Tell us that juicy Joke!

Osho – Okay, Maneesha!

ONE day, while studying the alphabet, the teacher looked at her second grade class and said, “Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter A?”

All the children raised their hands, but teacher wouldn’t call on Johnny Badmouth because she knew he’d say ‘asshole’ or some other bad word. Instead she called on Billy.

“Apple.”

“Very good,” replied teacher, “and who can tell me a word that starts with the letter B?”

Many children raised their hands, but she refused to call on Johnny Badmouth because she knew he’d say ‘bastard’ or some other dirty word. She called on Mary.

“Boat.”

“Very good.”

And so on through the entire alphabet, each time ignoring Johnny Badmouth. “And who can tell me a word that starts with the letter R?” The children raised their hands. The teacher racked her brains, but couldn’t think of a single dirty word that started with the letter R, and decided to call on Johnny.

“Rats,” said Johnny, and raised his hands to demonstrate. “BIG FUCKING RATS!”

Source – from Osho Book “The Guest”

Question – OSHO, PLEASE TELL US FEW JOKES ABOUT JESUS CHRIST WHICH ARE ONLY RECORDED IN THE AKASHIC RECORDS.

Osho – Masta,

Okay.

It is a little known fact that Jesus Christ was nearly called Manny shortly after his birth. Just before he was, however, someone walking past the stable peeked a look inside to see what was going on. Hitting his toe on a sharp stone he cried out, “Jesus!”
“oh, that’s a good name,” said Mary. “We will call him that.”

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws some nails onto the counter and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”

Jesus was resting on the shores of Lake Galilee. A group of children nearby were laughing, throwing water at him and making a lot of noise.
Peter, annoyed, shouted at them, but Jesus stopped him and said, “Let the children come to me…”
The noise, the throwing of water, etcetera, continued even more than before. Finally, Peter, tired and very annoyed, tried to shove them away, but again Jesus stopped him and said, “Peter, I told you to let the children come close to me — so that I can kick them in the ass!”

Monsieur Foucard was visiting London for the first time. While walking about he felt nature calling and looked around for a public latrine like those in Paris. He could not find one and, in desperation, stepped into a dark building entrance. Immediately a bobby tapped him from behind, “You can’t do that here, you know!”
Later he tried to go behind a tree, but another bobby stopped him. In a few minutes he was, again prevented by a policeman. Finally he noticed a shingle: “Dr. Dingley, Urologist”. Dashing into the office, Foucard said, “Doctor, I cannot — how you say? — relieve myself.”
The doctor handed him a bottle and told him to step behind the screen. In a few seconds the Frenchman cried, “Doctor, another container, s’il vous plait!”
The doctor handed him one, and in a few minutes had to repeat the process. When the now happy Frenchman stepped out, the doctor asked, “My good man, who told you that you could not relieve yourself?”
“Ze entire London Police Department!”

Osho – A big, mangy dog was threatening a mother cat and her kittens. He had backed them into the corner of a barn, when suddenly the cat reared back on her hind legs and started barking and growling loudly. Startled and confused, the dog turned and ran from the barn, its tail tucked between its legs. Turning to her kittens, the mother cat lifted a paw and told them, “Now do you see the advantage of being bilingual?”

Question – Beloved Master, I am a Rusian. Can you tell me a Joke about the Russians?
Osho – Darshan, I am never miserly about jokes. If you ask me for one I will tell you two.

The first: Brezhnev, the head of the Russian Communist Party, invites his aged mother to leave the village where she has always lived to come visit him in Moscow. When she arrives he proudly shows her his huge luxury flat inside the Kremlin… the priceless Persian carpets, the imported Swedish furniture, the antique silverware and crystal tableware, and the latest labor-saving machines from America.

“It’s beautiful, son,” she says.
“That’s not all, Mama,” he replies.

So he takes her in his huge, chauffeur-driven limousine to his country villa outside Moscow and shows her his private forest, the swimming pool, the stables full of race-horses and the household staff of fifty servants.

“So what do you think of all this?” he asks, sweeping his arm around the estate.
His mother looks a bit worried and whispers, “But, Leonid, what will you do when the communists come back?”

And the second:
Ivan, a small Russian boy, is having great difficulty grasping the basic principles of Soviet communism. After several hours of instruction, his father finally says to him, “Well, look at it this way. Imagine that I, your father, am the party, that your mother is the motherland, that your brothers and sisters are the unions and you are the people.”

Ivan still cannot understand the relationship between these institutions, and in a fit of rage his father locks him inside a cupboard in the parental bedroom. Later that night, forgetting Ivan is still there, his father makes love to his mother. When he is finally released by an embarrassed father the next morning, Ivan exclaims: “Now I know what you meant, father. The party rapes the motherland while the unions sleep and the people stand by and suffer!”

Enough for today.

Osho – A man enters a modern Chicago whorehouse-nightclub run by the gangland syndicate which is now planning to streamline its image. The whorehouse takes up various floors of a skyscraper hotel, and he is received by a lovely young receptionist in a sexy uniform, who sits him at a teakwood interview desk and asks how much money he wants to spend. She explains that prices range from five dollars up to one thousand dollars, depending on the quality and number of girls wanted.

Everything is shown on the television intercom. The higher prices are for the lower floors, which have higher ceilings, mirrors over the beds, three and four girls in bed with you at one time, etcetera. Lower prices are for lesser delights, ending with five dollars for a “coal-black nigger mammy with big nostrils,” as the lovely young receptionist explains.
The client thinks it over. “Haven’t you anything cheaper than five?” he asks at last.
“Of course,” says the receptionist. “Seventh floor — roof garden. One dollar a shot. Self-service.”

“Hello. This is long distance. I have a call for you from Palm Springs.”
“Hello, Herman, this is Rube. Listen, I am stranded here and I need five hundred dollars.”
“I can’t hear you. Something is wrong with the phone.”
“I want five hundred dollars!”
“I still can’t hear you.”
“I can hear it okay,” interrupted the operator.
“Then YOU give him the five hundred dollars!”