[An indian sannyasin has been invited to be a part of the ashram, but says, in Hindi, that her parents will not let her come.]

Osho – First tell me your desire. I am not going to be guided by your desire, but I just want to know what you want….

The situation is such that if I tell you to go with your parents, you will not be happy. Not that they are not loving – they are very loving – but their love won’t permit you any freedom. Their love is an old orthodox kind of love and they don’t know any other kind, so there is no complaint about them; they know only that. They want to care about you, they are concerned about your life, they want you to be happy. But that has always been the old mind; and particularly about girls, parents are very much concerned. In the East their responsibility ends once you get married.

While you remain unmarried, they remain very concerned: once you are married then that chapter is closed for them. Then it is for you to be in hell or in heaven or whatsoever. And an arranged marriage never brings joy, mm? It brings security – it is convenient and comfortable – but it never brings joy. A love marriage brings joy but it never brings security; it is always insecure. So parents always decide in favour of an arranged marriage because they think of your future, security, your children, everything – except your joy, that is never a consideration. They think security is joy, comfort is joy – it is not!

Comfort is comfort, security is security. It is not joy. It is good if it can happen with joy, but in itself it is just a futile existence. In a love marriage that you would like to choose, security is not there, comfort is not there. Joy is there, but joy too is very momentary. And the more romantic a love is, the more danger there is of falling from the peak, and then you fall into a dark valley. If I tell you to go, you will be miserable – they will arrange for a marriage to get rid of the whole problem. You will be miserable, and then you will throw the responsibility on me because I told you to go. If I tell you to be here, you will be miserable.

The misery will be that they will be angry, they will be hurt and you will not be happy if they are hurt, if they are angry. You will not be happy if they start thinking of disowning you. And here, sooner or later you will fall in love, and love brings Its own problems. Then you will think that I am responsible because I told you to be here. So think of my problem too – this is my everyday problem! If I say this, you will be in trouble and you will throw the responsibility on me; if I say the opposite, the responsibility will be on me. So now you are grown-up enough – don’t throw responsibility on me; you decide.

If you decide to be here, this is your home – you can become part of the ashram; you are welcome. If you decide to go with your parents, that’s perfectly good, mm? They are my sannyasins, they will take care of you and whatsoever they want to do, they will do. But don’t leave it to me, otherwise you will never be able to forgive me. The best way is: you decide yourself And it will be difficult, I know, because a few things will be good here and a few things will be good there – it is going to be a difficult situation but this is the beginning of life, mm? Now you are becoming mature; this is how life begins. When problems begin and confusion and decision becomes difficult, then too one has to decide. But I am not going to decide for you. That will be very easy but you will remain immature, because then you will depend on my decision. And it is very difficult in life to be happy.

So whatsoever decision I give you, you will be unhappy and you will throw responsibility on me. Because happiness has nothing to do with outer things – it is an art, and very few people are artful, artful enough to be happy. You are a dancer so you know – happiness is not like a thing but like dance; you have to learn it. It is a very subtle art.

So my suggestion is: you decide. Risk – whatsoever decision you take, risk will be there – but from this moment become mature, independent and decide. And remember always: if you go into hell with your own decision you will be happy, even there, because it is your decision; you have chosen it out of your freedom. And even if you are forced into heaven, you will not be happy there because you have been forced into it and heaven will look like a prison.

Freedom is the ultimate value, and slowly slowly all of my sannyasins have to learn to live in freedom. So let this be the beginning. One thing is clear: if you go there you are going with loving people; there is no problem. If you want to stay here, the doors of the ashram are open for you; any moment you can enter in and be part.

Source – Osho Book “Don’t Look Before You Leap”

Question – Is it alright to get married and have children?

Osho – Sudharka,
Just meditate over a few of Murphy’s sutras.
First: It is good to be married occasionally.
Second: A clever man tells a woman he understands her, a stupid man tries to prove it.
Third: Marriage is a three-ringed circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffer-ring.
Fourth: Marriage may make the world go round, but so does a punch in the nose.
Fifth: Saving a marriage from divorce: the only way is not to show up for the wedding.
Sixth: A woman is God’s second mistake – man is the first obviously – and two wrongs together don’t make a right.
And the last: A woman is entitled to life, liberty, and pursuit of man.

So beware! If you want to get married, who am I to object? I can only make you a little more aware. Think before you jump!

’Baby, which do you prefer?’ whispered Charlie to his girlfriend, ’beautiful men or intelligent men?’
’Neither, darling, you know I love only you!’
The preacher at the wedding was an ardent fisherman who was forced to postpone his fishing trip for a couple of hours to conduct the ceremony.
’Do you promise to love, honour and cherish this woman?’ he asked the bridegroom.
’I do,’ pledged the groom.
’And do you promise likewise?’ he asked the bride.
’I do,’ she said.
’Okay,’ affirmed the preacher as he hastily closed the book and turned to the bride. ’Reel him in!’

A subject of many Athenian jests was the self-control of Socrates in dealing with his shrewish wife, Xanthippe. Once she scolded him loudly and ended by throwing a pail of hot water at him. With philosophic calm he turned to a disciple and said, ’I told you that rain always follows thunder.’

Listen…! Somebody asked Socrates, ’Do you believe, as some poets do, that a man is incomplete until he is married?’
He said, ’Yes, a man is incomplete until he is married, then he is finished.’

A young man asked Socrates if he should get married, and Socrates replied, ’By all means, young man, get married. If you find a good wife, you will be happy; if you find a poor one, you will be a philosopher.’

And he was saying that out of his own experience. So, Sudharka, if you want to get married, do it by all means – I will not prevent you. I never prevent people from making mistakes, because that is the only way they learn. It needs tremendous intelligence to learn from other people’s mistakes – it is very rare. Even if you can learn from your own mistakes, that is something very great! People are so foolish that they go on making the same mistake again and again. So do it by all means, just remain a little aware.

A circus train had derailed and the car containing the lions had broken open and ten of the animals had escaped. The sheriff quickly organized a posse to track them down. As the men were getting ready to ride off in several directions, he said, ’Men, it’s a bit chilly tonight so before we go, let us go across the street to the tavern and I’ll stand everybody a few drinks.’
They all gathered at the bar and ordered whisky, except for one man.

’Why aren’t you drinking?’ the sheriff asked. ’Don’t you want to get warmed up before we start out?’
’I want to stay warm all right,’ the man said, ’but I sure don’t want any whisky before I start hunting a bunch of lions because whisky would give me too much courage!’
So just remain a little sober – too much courage can be dangerous!

And you also ask about children… That is going a little too far, because if you get married it is only a question of you and your wife; nobody else is involved in it. But if you start producing children then the whole world is involved in it. THAT I cannot say you should do! And if you are here then the best thing will be to find a sannyasin and get married to a sannyasin. Then children can be avoided very easily, because it is very difficult to persuade any of my sannyasins to have children.

Once a pot of black coffee fell desperately in love with a bottle of milk. After convincing her that he was a really great guy, they finally got married. Some time passed and he began to dream about having children, inventing such names as ’White Nescafe’, ’Cafe Russe’, etcetera. As he told her of his longings, she immediately turned away, saying, ’No… no, darling.’ He didn’t see her point, but as he loved her he decided to wait.

After some time he again tried, but once again she didn’t want to give it any juice. Knowing that he would be cooling down soon, he tried a third time.
’Why not, my love, why not?’ he asked.
’Well, ahem…’ she uttered, ’well… you know… er… I’m a sannyasin, I’m sterilized!’
But I don’t think you will be able to understand all these jokes. If you can understand all these jokes you will not get married at all! But even people who don’t understand jokes have to laugh here, otherwise they look very stupid – very English!

The parents of my personal dentist, Devageet, are here – and they are proper English people. Their only complaint is that they can’t get many of the jokes, but still they laugh just to be polite! After years of working hard and saving, a New York couple finally had accumulated enough money to take a trip to Israel.

They toured the entire country and spent time in the big cities as well. One evening in Tel Aviv they decided to see what the Israeli night life was like. So they went to a night dub. They enjoyed the singer tremendously but, unfortunately for them, the comedian did his entire act in Hebrew. The wife sat patiently in silence throughout the monologue; her husband, however, laughed uproariously at every joke. The woman was, to say the least, surprised.
’So how come you laughed so much?’ she asked when the act was over. ’I didn’t know you knew Hebrew.’
’I don’t,’ said the husband, ’but I trusted him!’

Source – Osho Book “Zen: Zest, Zip, Zap and Zing”

Osho – The greatest courage in life is needed when you go inwards, for many reasons… The first is: it is a flight from the alone to the alone, it is going deeper into your aloneness. And man is caught up in such a way that he becomes accustomed to company, to people, to family. He forgets absolutely the joy of being alone; hence there is a fear of being left alone.

That’s why nations exist: it is because of fear, not because of any love. That’s why religions exist — not because of a longing for god. How many people really long for god? Not so many Christians, not so many Hindus, not so many Mohammedans. The whole world is religious in that way. But people are afraid of being left alone; they have to be part of some crowd — a political crowd, a social crowd, a religious crowd; any crowd will do, but they are dependent on the crowd. They feel good when they are surrounded by people; they start feeling shaky, scared when they find there is nobody and they are alone. That is the fear that grips you when you are lost in a jungle or in a desert where, as far as you can see, there is nobody. That utter aloneness creates great fear because we are conditioned by the crowd, for the crowd, as part of the crowd. We are not brought up as individuals. We are brought up as small units of a great mechanism called the society, the nation, the church.

People are not satisfied with these crowds — they create their small crowds — because when the crowd is very big you start losing yourself in the crowd. It becomes impossible for you to recognise people, to see who is who; hence people create small crowds of their own: the Rotary Club, the Lion’s Club. These are just small crowds where everybody knows everybody else, where everybody is acquainted with everybody else. The greatest fear arises when you move inwards… because it is possible to find a man in the desert, it is possible to find somebody in the jungle when you are lost.

I have heard a story: Once a hunter got lost in the jungle. He tried for three days continuously, but he could not find any way to get out. He got deeper and deeper in the thicker parts of the jungle. He became desperate: he could not sleep, there was nothing to eat. After three days he thought ‘This is death. Now I cannot survive.’ He shouted and did everything and on the third day evening, he suddenly saw a man coming. They both rejoiced, both ran towards each other and hugged each other. They were absolutely unacquainted, but what a joy to see another man! But soon they found that that joy was wrong, they were disillusioned: both were lost. Each was thinking ‘Now I have found a person who will help me to get out,’ and both rejoiced for a moment, but the moment they explained to each other why they were rejoicing so much, both were shocked.

They were still lost in the same way, but they were not in so much despair. At least they could share their misery, they could communicate, relate, talk to each other, converse, do something — together. They were still lost in the same way but somehow it felt different.

That’s how marriage came into existence. Two lost people for a moment enjoy the honeymoon, thinking ‘I have found the person whom I was seeking,’ and each is thinking the same; soon they will be disillusioned. But still, even though they will be miserable, they will be miserable together. It is better, people think, to be miserable together than to be miserable alone; in fact in togetherness misery is multiplied. But people love togetherness because we are brought up in that way. From the very first moment of birth the child depends on the mother, on the father, on the family. Then his circle becomes bigger, but he always remains part of some group, some collectivity.

Meditation is the only phenomenon where there is no possibility of meeting anybody, where you have to go alone, totally alone. Hence only very courageous people can enter into the world of meditation. That’s why so few people have ever entered, Why so few people have ever become enlightened.

Secondly: when you move inwards you move without any maps. Even if you go to the moon you have a certain map, a certain route. There have been people before you, their footprints are there, there are milestones everywhere. Even in the sea you are not totally lost, in the sky you are not totally lost: you can communicate with people, you can give messages — even from the moon! You can remain in some kind of relationship; it may be just through radio waves, but you can remain connected. You can still hear the voices of people, you can still see that others are there; you are connected.

But when you move inwards, the people who have gone in cannot leave any footprints for anybody. It is impossible, because everybody’s inner territory is so different that Buddha’s footprints won’t help you and if you follow Buddha’s footprints literally, you will never find yourself.

Jesus’ map won’t help you; you cannot follow it literally. It can help in a very indirect way; it can make you aware of certain things inside, but in a very vague sense. It can give you the confidence that ‘Yes, there is a world inside, no doubt about it, because so many people cannot be lying. Buddha, Jesus, Zarathustra, Lao Tzu, Mahavira, Krishna, Mohammed, such beautiful people cannot all be lying. They cannot be in a conspiracy — for what? They never existed together — they lived in different ages, in different countries — yet they all speak almost the same language… But you cannot follow it exactly because Buddha’s inner territory is different. Each individual is unique, so unique that you have to discover yourself all alone; hence great courage is needed. This is the greatest adventure in life, and one who goes on this adventure is blessed.

Source – Osho Book “The Imprisoned Splendor”

Question – Recently you talked again about the adverse aspects of marriage. Would you please talk about what you mean by intimacy? Particularly, when is staying together through difficult times positive and when is it negative?

Osho – MARRIAGE is a way to avoid intimacy. It is a trick to create a formal relationship. Intimacy is informal. 11 marriage arises out of intimacy it is beautiful but if you are hoping that intimacy will arise out of marriage, you are hoping in vain. Of course, I know that many people, millions of people, have settled for marriage rather than for intimacy – because intimacy is growth and it is painful.

Marriage is very secure. It is safe. There is no growth in it. One is simply stuck. Marriage is a sexual arrangement; intimacy is a search for love. Marriage is a sort of prostitution, a permanent sort. One has got married to a woman or to a man – it is a permanent prostitution. The arrangement is economical, not psychological, not of the heart.

So remember, if marriage arises out of intimacy then it is beautiful. That means that everybody should have lived together before they get married. The honeymoon should not happen after marriage, it should happen before marriage. One should have lived the dark nights, the beautiful days, the sad moments, the happy moments, together. One should have looked into each other’s eyes deeply, into each other’s being.

How to decide? If your intimacy is helping you to grow and to become mature then it is positive and good and healthy, wholesome. If it is destructive and it is not allowing you to become mature rather, it is helping you to remain childish, immature then it is unhealthy. Any relationship that keeps you childish is evil. Get out of it. Any relationship that gives you challenges to grow, to go on an adventure, to go deeper and higher into life….

I am not saying that a positive marriage will not have problems, it will have MORE problems than the negative marriage. A positive relationship will have more problems because every day new challenges will be there. But each time a problem is solved you will have gone a little higher; each time a challenge is taken you will find something has become integrated in your being.

A negative relationship has no problems – or at the most. pseudo-problems, so-called problems, not real problems. Have you not watched it? Wife and husband fighting over trivia. They are not problems. Even if you fight they don’t give you anything, they don’t help growth Watch wives and husbands, watch yourself.

You may be a husband, a wife Just watch. If you are fighting over trivia – small things which don’t mean anything any way – then you will remain immature, childish. Real problems, authentic problems, which really have to be faced, create great turmoil in your being; they bring a cyclone. One has to face them. Never avoid them. The trivial questions are an escape from the real questions. A husband and wife will fight on very small things: which film to go to and which not to go to; what colour car has to be purchased, what model, what make; to what restaurant they are going this evening. Such trivia!

They do not make any difference. You are making too much fuss about such problems and your relationship is not going to help you, give you any integrity, any centre. I will call it negative. The positive relationship will face real problems. For example: if you are angry or if you are sad, you will be sad in front of your wife, you will not smile a false smile. And you will say, ’I am sad.’ This has to be faced. If, walking on the road with your wife, you see a beautiful woman pass by and a great desire and longing arises in your heart, you will tell your wife that this woman created a great desire, stirred your heart. You will not avoid her. You will not take your eyes away. And you will not pretend that you have not seen the woman at all – whether you pretend or not. your wife has already known it! It is impossible for her not to know because immediately your energy, your presence, changes. These are real problems.

Just getting married to a woman doesn’t mean that you are no longer interested in any other woman. In fact, the day you are not interested in any other women, you will not be interested in your wife either. Why? For what? What has your wife got that is special? If you are no longer interested in women you will not be interested in your wife either. You are in love with her because you are in love with women still. She is just a woman. And sometimes you come across a woman who enchants you. You will say it to your wife. And you will face the turmoil that will arise. It is not trivia – because it will create jealousy. it will create a struggle, it will disturb all rest. you will not be able to sleep at night. The wife will be throwing pillows at you.

To be true creates real problems. To be authentic creates real problems. And say whatsoever is the case never demur, never look sideways. Look straight and be true. And help the wife to be true. Help the husband to be true.

Yes, there are problems in real intimacy, more problems than in a negative state more problems. Because if you are really intimate with the woman how call you avoid the fact that you become interested in another woman? You have to say it. That’s part of love, part of intimacy. You denude yourself, you expose yourself totally you don’t hold anything back. Even if during the night you dream a dream about another woman. in the morning you can relate it to your wife.

I have heard about a film director. During the night he started talking to his girlfriend in his sleep and he was talking loudly. He was saying beautiful things and the wife started staring at him. When you are married, even in your dreams you remain afraid of your wife, so suddenly he became afraid. What was he saying? He felt his wife looking at him and with great presence of mind he said, ’Cut! Now another scene.’ …. as if he was directing a film!

If you really love the woman, in the morning you will tell her your dream – that you made love to a woman in the night in your dream. Everything has to be shared. The whole heart has to be shared. Intimacy means that there is no privacy. You don’t carry anything private now – at least with the person you are intimate with. You drop privacy. You are nude and naked. Good, bad, whatsoever you are, you open your heart. And whatsoever the cost you pay for it; whatsoever the trouble you go through with it. That brings growth.

And you help the other person also to drop all inhibitions. screens, masks. In an intimate relationship one comes to see the original face of the other and one comes to show his own original face. If a relationship helps you to find your original face then it is meditative, then it is religious. If your relationship simply helps you to create more and more masks and hypocrisies then it is irreligious. Try to understand my definition. If my definition is understood then out of a hundred marriages, ninety-nine are irreligious because they are simply creating more and more falsity. From the very beginning the falsity starts.

I have heard. The minister, casting an appraising eye over the bridal couple before him and the goodly crowd come to witness the ceremony, intoned, ’If there is anyone here who knows why these two should not be joined together in wedlock. Let him speak now or forever hold his peace.’
’I’ve got something to say,’ a voice rang out bold and clear.
’You shut up!’ snapped the minister. ’You’re the groom.’

From the very beginning! They are not even married yet. The minister said, ’You shut up! You are the groom.’ And that’s how the life of a married couple starts.

People keep quiet. They don’t say anything. They don’t say the truth at all. They pretend lies. They smile when they don’t want to smile, they kiss when they don’t want to kiss. Naturally, when you kiss and you don’t want to kiss, the kiss is poisonous. Naturally, when you don’t want to smile and you have to smile, your smile is ugly, it is political.

And then somehow one gets accustomed to these things, one settles to the falsity, to the inauthenticity of life. And one consoles oneself in a thousand and one ways.
’Oh, we’re very happy,’ insisted the husband. ’Of course, once in a while my wife throws dishes at me. But that doesn’t change the situation one bit, because if she hits me she’s happy, and if she misses me I’m happy!’
One by and by comes to such an arrangement – both are happy.
The car in which the elderly couple were riding went over the cliff. It was an awful wreck.
’Where am I?’ moaned the man when he opened his eyes. ’In heaven?’
’No,’ said his dazed wife. ’I’m still with you.’

These settlements are very hellish. What you know in the name of relationship is just a pseudogame. So remember it as a criterion: if you are growing more and becoming an individual, if life is happening more to you, if you are becoming more open, if more beauty is felt in existence, if more poetry is arising in your heart, if more love flows through you, more compassion, if you are becoming more aware, then the relationship is good. Carry on. Then it is not a marriage. Then it is intimacy.

But if the reverse is happening; if all poetry is disappearing and life is becoming prosaic; if all love is disappearing and life is becoming just a load, a dead load; if all song is dying and you are just living as a duty, then it is better to escape out of this prison. It is better for you and it is better for the partner with whom you are living.

Source – Osho Book “Tao: The Pathless Path, Vol 2″

Osho – The first thing to be understood: you have to be authentic to yourself – sincere, honest. But that doesn’t mean that you have to hurt others through your honesty and sincerity, that doesn’t mean that you have to disturb others, that doesn’t mean that you have to disturb the rules of the game.

All relationships are just rules of the game, and many times you will have to act and wear masks, false faces. The only thing to remember is: don’t become the mask. Use it if it is good, and keep the rules, but don’t become the mask, don’t get identified. Act it, don’t get identified with it.

This is a great problem, particularly in the West for the new generation. They have heard too much; they have already been seduced by this idea: be sincere and be honest. This is good, but you don’t know how cunning and destructive the mind is. Your mind can find excuses. You can say a truth, not because you love truth so much but just to hurt somebody; you can use it as a weapon. And if you are using it as a weapon it is not truth, it is worse than a lie.

Sometimes you can help somebody through a lie, and sometimes relationship becomes more easy through a lie. Then use it – but don’t get identified with it. What I am saying is: Be a good player, learn the rules of the game; don’t be too adamant about anything.

It happened: I came back from the university and my father and my mother were worried; they were worried about me, about what I was going to do. They were worried about my marriage. So my father started sending messages through his friends asking my opinion whether I was ready to get married or not. So I told his friends, ”This is between me and my father, don’t you come in. Tell my father that he can ask me.”

And he was afraid, because I have never said no to him for anything. So he was afraid, he was afraid because I would not say no. Even if I didn’t want to be married I would say yes – that was the worry in his mind. Even if I didn’t want to get into a householder’s life, I would not say no, I would say yes. And that yes would be false. So what to do? He couldn’t ask me – he has not asked yet – because he knew well that I would not break any rule. I would have said yes.

Then he tried through my mother. She asked me one night; she came to my bed, sat there, and asked me what I thought about marriage.

So I said, ”I have not married yet, so I have no experience. You know well, you have the experience, so you tell me. Take fifteen days: think over it, contemplate, and if you feel you have achieved something through it, then just order me. I will follow the order. Don’t ask about my opinion – I have none, because I have no experience. You are experienced. If you were again given a chance, would you get married?”

She said, ”You are trying to confuse me.”
I said, ”You take your time, at your own ease. I will wait for two weeks, then you order me. I will just follow… because I don’t know.”

So for two weeks she was worried. She could not sleep, because she knew if she said to marry I would obey. Then she would be responsible, not I. So after two weeks she said, ”I am not going to say anything, because if I look to my own experience, then I would not like you to move into that life. But I cannot say anything now.”

So this is how I remained unmarried. Sincerely, authentically, I was not ready to marry, I was not intending it at all. But I could have acted. And nothing is wrong, because every experience helps you to grow. No-marriage helps, marriage also helps; there is not much difference. Everything helps you to grow in its own way.

The one thing to remember is: life is a great complexity. You are not alone here, there are many others related to you. Be sincere unto yourself, never be false there. Know well what you want, and for yourself remain that. But there are others also; don’t unnecessarily hurt them. And if you need to wear masks, wear them and enjoy them, but remember, they are not your original face, and be capable of taking them off any moment. Remain the master, don’t become the slave; otherwise you can be violent through your sincerity, unnecessarily you can be violent.

I have seen persons who are cruel, violent, aggressive, sadistic – but sincere, very true, authentic. But they are using their authenticity just for their sadism. They want to make others suffer, and their trick is such that you cannot escape them. They are true, so you cannot say, ”You are bad.” They are good people, they are never bad, so no one can say to them, ”You are bad.” They are always good, and they do the bad through their good.

Don’t do that, and don’t take life too seriously. Nothing is wrong in masks also, faces also. Just as in the drama on the stage they use faces and enjoy and the audience also enjoys, why not enjoy them in real life also? It is not more than a drama. But I am not saying for you to be dishonest. Be sincere with yourself, don’t get identified. But life is great; there are many around you related in many invisible nets. Don’t hurt anybody.

Source – Osho Book “Vedanta: Seven Steps to Samadhi”

[A sannyasin said that he had been living under a tree in Goa for five years, until he fell in love with a woman and tried to settle down with her, but has been too much for him. When they are apart he loves her; when they are together it is heavy.]

Osho – This is the old story! Love is an old story. Nothing is new in it – it is always the old and the same pattern, and everybody repeats the same thing. Nothing new ever happens in love; it is just a rut… A few things to be understood….

One: love is always beautiful in the beginning, very rarely beautiful in the middle, and almost never beautiful in the end; that’s the whole process of love. So there are two ways: one is to go on changing the partner. Each time you think that the beginning is ending, change immediately. That is one way, and is what the west is doing. The moment you feel that the love is no more the same as it used to be, that the honeymoon is over, you change the partner. Then again you are at the beginning and you can go on changing… but you never grow like that.

The East has another trick: get married to a person with whom you are not in love. Then there will be no bad ending because there is no beginning: it is just finished from the very beginning, it has ended before it begins. That’s what the East has done… but both the eastern and western ways are meaningless. The third possibility – and this is my suggestion – is to be in love but not to start thinking of marriage. That’s what you did – you started thinking of making a home; then you are getting into trouble, the old rut.

Be in love as birds and animals are in love. Be in love but don’t start thinking of settling. Settling is very unsettling, because once you start settling the romance is over. The ordinary life is so heavy that it crushes the flower of romance and kills it. Once you start settling, small things become very important and love becomes secondary.

How to manage for money and where to purchase a house and how to manage for furniture, and these things become more important, and love becomes secondary. These things are infinite – the list is long – and love comes only in the end and so it never comes! By the time you are finished with the house and the money and the furniture, you are falling asleep.

By and by you completely forget that you were trying to make this house to love this woman. So don’t do that again – remember it! Always keep a distance between the person you love and yourself. There is no need to settle: settling means that you start taking the other for granted. That is the meaning of being a wife and a husband: the other is taken for granted.

You are only lovers if you don’t take the other for granted. Being in love means you have to seduce the other person every day: you cannot take him for granted, you don’t have any property right, you will have to persuade the other, so the cooing continues. And that’s what love is. Once things have settled and you know that you possess the woman and the woman knows that she possesses you, then through that possessiveness all sorts of jealousies, anger, hatred, fight and nastiness arise.

Then you will start repeating the pattern that you have learned from your parents and she has learned from her parents. Remember one thing: you don’t know what your mother did when she fell in love, you don’t know what your father did when he fell in love, but you know what they did when they were settled. You know them as wife and husband, you have not known them as lovers. This is something very important to understand.

You cannot repeat anything when you are a lover, but when you become a husband or a wife and a householder, then you know. And you have only one programme, your mind is programmed…. Friendship is always good. It is more civilised than love, mm ? And you are an ancient sannyasin, not a new one, mm?… … So it will be very difficult for you.

[The sannyasin answers: That’s why I was clinging so much. She was the only female that I could come close to in this life time.]

That happens to ascetic people, mm? They get starved and worked up, then one day suddenly they start clinging to a woman. They can cling too much and that can destroy the whole thing. Just continue to be yourself, the way you used to be… and remember one thing: she fell in love with you who was sitting under a tree and meditating.

She never fell in love with a man who was under a roof. Mm? – when you are under a roof you are another man, she is no more in love with you. Always remember that! She had fallen in love with a vagabond and then you start settling. … Start living in Goa under some tree and [she] will be in love again!

Women are always attracted to an ascetic person rather than to householders. So start being in samadhi again … and you can watch out of the corner of the eye whether [she] is coming, mm? Little holidays are good; but basically you are an ascetic person, so remain that way!

Source: from Osho Book “This is It”

[A sannyasin says she has been working as a prostitute in the West. Returning there now to earn money to return here, she wonders whether to return to prostitution or not. A voice inside her says no – on the other hand it is a quick way to make money.... ]

Osho – Then do something else, mm? do something else… because prostitution is a betrayal of the body. There is nothing morally wrong in it but spiritually much is wrong in it. You are allowing your body to be used like a thing – that’s a great insult to the body.

When the other so-called religious leaders say they are against prostitution their reasons are different. When I say that it is not good my reasons are totally different. My first reason is that one needs to be in deep reverence with one’s own body, one needs to be in love with the body, so how can one allow somebody to use it as a thing? It is a sacred thing! Yes, you can share when you love a person, but for money it is ugly. It is one of god’s gifts to you – you can give it as a gift, but don’t sell it. You have not purchased it, so you have no right to sell it!

Mm? – it is a gift: we should be grateful to god that he has given us such a beautiful body. It is a temple. So when I say not to go into prostitution, my reasons are just the opposite to those other religious people will give. They are against sex, they are against joy. They are against anything that makes people delighted – that is their reason. They are sex-repressive people: they want everybody to be very limited in their sexual relationships.

And a prostitute brings a freedom, that’s why they are against them. They want a very rigid monogamy in the world: man possessing woman, woman possessing man, one-to-one. They are all for man being used as property and woman being used as property. To me, that too is prostitution. What they call marriage, to me is nothing but a permanent prostitution.

Yes, you prostitute yourself to the same man again and again, that’s all. You don’t change the man, but it is prostitution because it is based on money – it is a permanent license. To me the so-called marriage is nothing but a sort of prostitution. I am all for love and I am completely against marriage. Because I am against marriage, I am against prostitution too. Try to understand me: to me prostitution is just a by-product of marriage. The day marriage disappears from the earth, prostitution will also disappear.

Where will you find a woman or a man to share his body with you because of money? It will be impossible. People will love and respect their body so much that will it be impossible. Yes, they can share their love energy with you but only when they love. . .there will be no other kind of relationship. Right now the marriage is a prostitution; there is no love. The wife goes on yielding to the husband because she has to, and the husband can force sex – legally! He can threaten that he will throw her out of the house, that he will not take any financial responsibility; then she will be on the streets.

To avoid the streets she chooses this permanent kind of prostitution, otherwise she will be with many people. And one man is so ugly – how much more ugly will it be with so many men? So it is better; it is the lesser evil. Never treat your body as a thing. It is divine, it is divine energy. Yes, if you love a man give your total heart, give your total body, being, all that you have. But when the love disappears, or if the love is not there, then there is no other way. The body can be shared only in love: don’t share even with your husband if the love is not there.

If today you find that you are not in a love mood with your husband, say simply that it will be prostitution! When love is there, love makes everything beautiful. When love is not there, everything becomes a nightmare, ugly. So it may take a little longer for you to work, but that’s good. Go, do something else – be respectful about your body. It is a god’s gift, and you are responsible! God will ask you finally what you did with your body. So go, mm? and go with tremendous trust – there is no problem in it. It will take a little longer to come back, but that’s not a problem. Avoid the old trap. It will be easier for you to fall into the trap because easy money always can have an appeal, but that is dangerous. And you are strong enough now – nothing to be worried about.

Source: from Osho Book “This is it”

[A sannyasin who was leaving for the West, said he would like to share what he has found with Osho with his wife. They have been separated for a long time, and plan to divorce. She is very negative against him.]

Osho – I think divorce will be good and then there may be some possibility, not before it. Let there be a divorce but make it as pleasant as possible – don’t make it an ugly affair, not at least from your side. Her side is her responsibility, from your side make it absolutely easy. Whatsoever you can do to make it easier, do it. Let it be a very very silent, pleasant thing.

Don’t say good-bye in a bad mood; that much we always owe to the other person. She has lived for sixteen years with you, shared her life, has given you children, has been mother to your children… sometimes things go wrong. Nothing to be worried about – that’s human.

So the first thing: let the divorce be there… and this can make a bridge between you and her. If you can allow this divorce to be really pleasant so that she can feel your compassion and love for her – can feel your love for the children, and that you are trying to make everything as cheerful for her as possible – out of that a friendship can arise, and only then can you share me with her.

Right now it will be very difficult, right now communication has broken, mm? You live in different worlds, you don’t speak the same language any more. So right now any effort from your side to convey anything will simply make her angry, antagonistic. She will argue: just to prove you wrong she will say anything and she will not listen, so this is not the right moment.

Always remember, when you want to communicate something to somebody, choose a right moment and a right climate. You can do the right thing in a wrong moment and then it is meaningless. And sometimes when the moment is right, even a small effort brings great harvest, and when the moment is wrong, great effort brings only frustration. Always watch out for the right time – that is immensely valuable.

It is very difficult to communicate with a wife, with a husband. Even when things are going well it is very difficult to communicate, because the relationship is somehow inimical, the relationship is that of domination. Whatsoever we say on the surface is not the point, but deep down it is a question of domination – it is political. The husband is trying to dominate in a thousand and one ways, the wife is trying to dominate in her own subtle and feminine ways. Her being sad may be nothing but an effort to dominate you, to make you more frustrated, to take revenge.

So even when ordinarily things are going well, then too it is difficult to communicate. It is very difficult for the husband to convert his wife to his philosophy, to his religion – so is the case for the wife: the wife cannot convert the husband… it is even more difficult. The husband feels very much offended. The very thing that the wife understands more than him is offending… it is very against the male ego.

And wives always know that husbands are foolish. In the first place if they were not foolish, why should they fall in love with them ? There is a deep self-condemnation. The moment you fall in love with a woman, she understands that you are a fool. It may not be very conscious, she may not say so, she may not even understand it, but deep down she has understood that you are a fool… otherwise who can fall in love with her? She is not in love with herself, so how can you be in love with her? She does not see anything beautiful in her, so how can you? You are deluded, you are a fool.

No wife believes that the husband can be wise – not even the wife of Socrates believed it, not even the wife of Buddha believed it. No wife has ever believed that the husband can be wise. The whole world may believe… but the wife cannot. She knows your foolishness, she knows your childishness, she knows your sexuality, she knows your lust. How can you be wise? She has seen you make love to her. How can she think that you can meditate, how can she think that now you have become a sannyasin? Whom are you trying to deceive? You can deceive the whole world; you cannot deceive the wife!

So many centuries of condemnation of sex has made it so. The wife knows that a sexual person is not a spiritual person. Now who knows better that you are a sexual person? Your whole relationship is that of sex, and if sex is sin then the husband and wife are joined together by sin. So the husband cannot believe that the wife has become holy and the wife cannot believe that her husband has become holy.

Sometimes it is possible that the husband may think that the wife has become spiritual… because wives don’t take much interest; at least they don’t show it. They are always passive partners in the love affair, and they show that they are just tolerating sex. But the man is very active, too interested; the wife cannot believe that the husband can become spiritual. So many centuries of wrong conditioning, and then continuous effort to dominate each other – things are bound to go wrong.

Even when you are on a honeymoon, when there exists a certain rapport between you and the wife which will never exist again, when the romance is fully alive, even then communication is impossible – and the reason is that then whatsoever you say, the wife will say ’yes’ Not that she understands, no – understanding is not possible at all – but she will say ’yes’ Whatsoever you say is great and whatsoever she says is great. Nobody is in any mood to understand. You are so much foolishly in love, hypnotised by each other, that ’no’ does not come, ’yes’ comes. Then too there is no communication.

First ’no’ does not come, ’yes’ comes, and later on when you are settled, only ’no’ comes, ’yes’ does not come. Either way understanding cannot happen. Understanding needs a clarity where there is no hurry to say no or yes: you are neither enchanted, magnetised by each other, nor are you antagonistic to each other. You simply look with clarity at what the other is saying. I have never seen wives and husbands in a dialogue. The honeymoon is a monologue and later on also, the marriage is a monologue.

So the first thing I would like to say is: go back home, make this divorce as easy as possible, don’t blame her, don’t fight. If she wants the children, give the children to her… give everything that she wants. That will give her an insight into you and that will become the possibility of sharing me with her, otherwise there is no possibility. If she can feel that really you have become a sannyasin – you don’t fight, you don’t want to damage her in any way, you are ready to give whatsoever she wants: the children, the money, the house, whatsoever she wants…. Only that will give her an inkling into your being – that you are not the same person with whom she is taking the divorce; it is not the same person with whom she has lived the sixteen years.

This is not the man who has fathered her children – this is a new man, a new being. That has to be the beginning…. After the divorce go on taking care as you have been, because marriage or no marriage is meaningless. Go on taking care, doing whatsoever you can do even after the divorce. The children will be taken care of by her; you take care of her and the children too.

Go on doing whatsoever you have been doing, as if it doesn’t matter – divorce or no divorce – and then there is a possibility of a friendship arising which will be far more valuable than your so-called love. Then you can share. It will depend on how you behave with this divorce thing… and it will be a great experience to you. If you can give unconditionally, it will be a great experience….

[A sannyasin had written a letter about relationship with his girlfriend, who was living in London, and who wished to be married to him. He was uncertain as to what was the best thing to do as he had reservations about marriage but was in love with her.]

Osho – One thing – don’t get married. That will be very destructive. You will never be able to forgive her – that will be the destructive element in it – and you will start taking revenge. There is no need to get married, but you should start feeling a sort of commitment, that’s another thing. There is no need to get married, but because there is no need to get married there is a great need to feel committed, and more than when one gets married.

In marriage, in fact, you can avoid commitment. Marriage is an avoidance. Legally, formally, you are committed, that’s right, but the responsibility is avoided. When you are not married to a woman, commitment is greater because there is no legal bind in it. Responsibility is deeper because she simply trusts you.

So marriage and commitment are not both the same thing. Marriage is an avoidance of commitment, of real commitment. It is a bogus commitment, a pseudo-commitment, just to show that one is committed. If you avoid marriage then you are able to take the whole responsibility personally. Then the society is not in it; the law and the court and nobody else are in it. It is absolutely personal, and the commitment is very great.

I suggest that you don’t get married – not because I would not like you to be committed, but because I would like you to be committed really deeply. Her attitude is understandable. A woman always wants to belong. That has nothing to do with any particular individuals; it is something to do with the very nature of womanhood. It is part of the feminine mind to lean to somebody, to possess and to be possessed. So it is not a question of somebody being like that. All women, more or less, are like that. That is their intrinsic quality.

And when a woman loses that quality, she loses something of her womanhood. Then she is not worth much. She is almost like a man; she has a male mind. You will not feel that softness, that fragileness that gives grace and beauty to a woman. It is just like a creeper. The creeper needs some tree to belong to, to creep upon, to be supported by. The creeper cannot stand on its own. But that is one of the most beautiful experiences – that somebody belongs to you and you belong to somebody. Belonging is one of the most desired states of the human mind. You feel rooted when you feel that you belong to somebody.

Now many things have disappeared in the world which used to give a feeling of belongingness – the nation, the church, the society. Those are in fact gone; only shadows are existing. Nobody is english now in the sense of being english two hundred years ago. Nobody is indian in the sense that people used to be indian. That looks sort of foolish. Man is man. Nobody is white and black.

Even if it persists it persists just as a habit, but it has lost its grip. So all other belongings have disappeared. Now the only belonging is personal, a personal love. Otherwise one feels very lonely – and woman more so, because her whole love is receptive, passive. She waits… but she is not aggressive. If there is nobody to belong to, then waiting simply becomes waiting for Godot. It is a waiting and waiting and waiting, and it is heavy.

So her attitude can be understood. She is perfectly right, but she is in a deep misunderstanding – as almost all are. She thinks marriage will be a commitment. That’s where she is wrong. So you have to write to her from me about everything that I am saying to you. But give her your commitment. Make her feel that she belongs to you and you belong to her.

Two months of the year is not enough to spend with her [as the sannyasin had suggested in his letter]. Make it at least six months. Two months is not enough. By the time you start going deep, intimate, you are gone and she simply hangs there. That can become very miserable. Then you come again but the gap is big and before you become acquainted again, the time to go has come.

So you come and go but you never establish roots with her and she cannot have time to be really intimate with you. More time is needed. So if you are not going to England more often then make your home in Poona, but be here for at least six months. Or be in England, but make it at least six months you are with her and then for six months you can be a wanderer.

You can come and be with her for two months and then go for one, but be with her for at least six months in the year. By and by, you will also need a home. By and by, you will feel the need arising more and more. As one becomes older one needs it. When one is young it is very simple to be a wanderer; it fits. But as you become a little older you would like some place to rest, to be yourself, and not to be bothered by so many things which one has to go through if one is travelling and going here and there. You will need a home.

My suggestion is that you make it Poona, so that for six months you are with me too, and then for six months you can go anywhere you want and do your thing. She will also feel happy here and she will not miss you because I will be here. But make some arrangements. She loves you, and if she is forced to marry somebody else she will never be happy.

You also will not be happy about that. That too will create a problem deep inside and again you will not be able to forgive yourself. You will feel a little guilty that she was ready to be with you and you could not allow it. If you get married you will not be able to forgive her. If you don’t marry and you are not committed and she has to marry somebody else, you will not be able to forgive yourself; you will feel a certain guilt. Guilt can become a very great problem. There is no way then to go back. Once she is married to somebody, there is no way to go back and then things become very complicated.

So my understanding is that there is no need to get married – legally, that is. No need to make any formal commitment, but make a deep commitment so that she doesn’t feel a lack of commitment and she is not just hanging in the air. Women become more afraid as they get older that their charm, their beauty, will be lost – and who will love them in their old age? Who will be there to love them when they are not so lovable? That fear creeps inside the mind of a woman.

If you don’t get into a commitment with her she will be forced to marry somebody else, but she will not be able to love them. You will haunt her and she will haunt you, and both your lives will be destroyed in a subtle way. I understand that there is no romance now in it, no fantasy in it, but that’s how it should be.

My understanding about two people getting into deep waters is that it is only possible when the honeymoon is over, not before it. If my suggestion someday becomes prevalent, then people should go on their honeymoon before they get married. The honeymoon should precede marriage, and when a love relationship has survived the honeymoon then people should get married, otherwise not. My understanding is that ninety-nine marriages are finished by the time the honeymoon is over.

So it is just foolish to be committed, and to be in a hypocritical relationship is a pseudo-pretension. It is good that your honeymoon is over. Now there is no emotional urge to be committed. There is no fantasy around it. Things are simple and natural. Now you are no more in a fever, a passion, and neither is she. You are both alert. To be committed in a feverish state of mind is almost as if you are drunk and you get committed to something. By the morning when you come back to your senses you don’t even remember, and you cannot believe that you have given your word.

When two people are deep in fantasy, in a romantic mood – as it always happens in the beginning – it is not time to get committed. It is the worst time to get committed, and people get committed then! They talk about things which are just foolish, and they say, ’We will be together forever and forever.’ When the fever is gone and their normal temperature has returned, then they will not be able to believe what they have done. But then it is too late.

So it is good that in this moment your relationship is no more moving in the peaks or the valleys. It is just on the plain ground. This is the right time to take any decision. So think over it – no marriage, but great commitment. And at least six months are hers. More, if you can manage – good – but not less. And write to her.

Source: from Osho Book “The Cypress in the Courtyard”

Question – Why do you appear to put down Marriage and yet tell people to get Married?

Osho – This is from Anurag. To me, marriage is a dead thing. It is an institution, and you cannot live in an institution; only mad people live in institutions. It is a substitute for love. Love is dangerous: to be in love is to be in a storm, constantly. You need courage and you need awareness, and you are to be ready for anything. There is no security in love; love is insecure. Marriage is a security: the registry office, the police, the court are behind it. The state, the society, the religion — they are all behind it. Marriage is a social phenomenon. Love is individual, personal, intimate.

Because love is dangerous, insecure…. And nobody knows where love will lead. It is just like a cloud — moving with no destination. Love is a hidden cloud, whereabouts unknown. Nobody knows where it is at any moment of time. Unpredictable — no astrologer can predict anything about love. About marriage? — astrologers are very, very helpful; they can predict.

Man has to create marriage because man is afraid of the unknown. On all levels of life and existence, man has created substitutes: for love there is marriage; for real religion there are sects — they are like marriages. Hinduism, Mohammedanism, Christianity, Jainism — they are not real religion. Real religion has no name; it is like love. But because love is dangerous and you are so afraid of the future, you would like to have some security. You believe more in insurance companies than in life. That’s why you have created marriage.

Marriage is more permanent than love. Love may be eternal, but it is not permanent. It may continue forever and forever, but there is no inner necessity for it to continue. It is like a flower: bloomed in the morning, by the evening gone. It is not like the rock. Marriage is more permanent; you can rely on it. In old age it will be helpful.

It is a way to avoid difficulties, but whenever you avoid difficulties and challenges you have avoided growth also. Married people never grow. Lovers grow, because they have to meet the challenge every moment — and with no security. They have to create an inner phenomenon. With security you need not bother to create anything; the society helps. Marriage is a formality, a legal bondage. Love is of the heart; marriage is of the mind. That’s why I am never in favor of marriage.

But the question is pertinent, relevant, because sometimes I tell people to get married. Marriage is a hell, but sometimes people need it. What to do? So I have to tell them to get into marriage. They need to pass through the hell of it, and they cannot understand the hell of it unless they pass through it. I am not saying that in marriage love cannot grow; it can grow, but there is no necessity for it. I am not saying that in love marriage cannot grow; it can grow, but there is no necessity, no logical necessity in it.

Love can become marriage, but then it is a totally different kind of marriage: it is not a social formality, it is not an institution, it is not a bondage. When love becomes marriage it means two individuals decide to live together — but in absolute freedom, nonpossessive of each other. Love is nonpossessive; it gives freedom.

When love grows into marriage, marriage is not an ordinary thing. It is absolutely extraordinary. It has nothing to do with the registry office. You may need the registry office also, the social sanction may be needed, but those are just on the periphery; they are not the central core of it. In the center is the heart, in the center is freedom.

And sometimes out of marriage also love can grow, but it rarely happens. Out of marriage love rarely happens. At the most, familiarity. At the most, a certain kind of sympathy, not love. Love is passionate; sympathy is dull. Love is alive; sympathy is just so-so, lukewarm.

But why do I tell people to get married? When I see that they are after security, when I see that they are after social sanction, when I see they are afraid, when I see that they cannot move into love if marriage is not there, then I tell them to go into it — but I will go on helping them to go beyond it. I will go on helping them to transcend it.

Marriage should be transcended; only then real marriage happens. Marriage should be forgotten completely. In fact the other person you have been in love with should always remain a stranger and never should be taken for granted. When two persons live as strangers, there is a beauty to it, a very simple, innocent beauty to it. And when you live with somebody as a stranger….

And everybody is a stranger. You cannot know a person. Knowledge is very superficial; a person is very profound. A person is an infinite mystery. That’s why we say everybody carries a god within. How can you know a god? At the most you can touch the periphery. And the more you know about a person, the more humble you will become — the more you will feel that the mystery is untouched. In fact the mystery becomes more and more deep. The more you know, the less you feel that you know.

If lovers are really in love, they will never reduce the other person to a known entity; because only things can be known — persons never. Only things can become part of knowledge. A person is a mystery — the greatest mystery there is.

Transcend marriage. It is not a question of legality, formality, family — all that nonsense. Needed, because you live in a society, but transcend; don’t be finished at that. And don’t try to possess a person. Don’t start feeling that the other is the husband — you have reduced the beauty of the person into an ugly thing: husband. Never say that this woman is your wife — the stranger is no longer there; you have reduced it to a very profane level, to a very ordinary level of things. Wives and husbands belong to the world. Lovers belong to the other shore.

Remember the sacredness and holiness of the other. Never impinge on it; never trespass it. A lover is always hesitant. He always gives you space to be yourself. He is grateful; he never feels that you are his possession. He is thankful that sometimes in rare moments you allow him your innermost shrine to enter and to be with you. He is always thankful.

But husbands and wives are always complaining, never thankful — always fighting. And if you watch their fight it is ugly. The whole beauty of love disappears. Only a very ordinary reality exists: the wife, the husband, the children, and the day-to-day routine. The unknown no longer touches it. That’s why you will see dust gathers around — a wife looks dull, a husband looks dull. Life has lost meaning, vibrancy, significance. It is no longer a poetry; it has become gross.

Love is poetry. Marriage is ordinary prose, good for ordinary communication. If you are purchasing vegetables, good; but if you are looking at the sky and talking to God, not enough — poetry is needed. Ordinary life is proselike. A religious life is poetrylike: a different rhythm, a different meter, something of the unknown and the mysterious.

I am not in favor of marriage. Don’t misunderstand me — I am not saying to live with people unmarried. Do whatsoever the society wants to be done, but don’t take it as the whole. That is just the periphery; go beyond it. And I tell you to get married if I feel that this is what you need. In fact if I feel that you need to go in hell I would allow you — and push you — to go in hell, because that is what you need, and that is how you will grow.

Source: from Osho Book “Yoga: The Alpha and the Omega, Vol 6″