Osho Spiritual Jokes :
- Jesus and Peter are sipping their iced tea while sunbathing on the shore of Lake Galilee.
A group of children nearby start throwing rocks in the water. They laugh and shout and kick up the sand. His peace completely destroyed, Peter sits up. “Hey! You kids!” he barks at them. “You get outta here!”
But Jesus pushes up his Ray-Ban sunglasses, wipes the sand off his face, and says, “No, Peter. Let the children come unto me.” Five minutes later, the noise is deafening as screaming kids, splashing water, and flying sand fill the air. Peter, hung over from last night’s wine, gets totally pissed off. “I said, you kids just get the hell outta here!” he screams.
But again Jesus sits up, wipes the sand off himself, raises his hand and says, “Peter, I told you: let the children come unto me — so that I can kick their little asses!”
- It is a dark and stormy day at the Vatican. The bells are tolling ominously, as inside, on his deathbed, lies Pope the Polack, breathing his last. At the bedside there is a crowd of bishops, cardinals, priests and other homosexuals, moaning and chanting. Cardinal Cats-ass is crying his eyes out, as he is bent over the pope’s face.”Ah! Don’t be upset,” gasps Pope the Polack. “Don’t cry. The Vatican council will surely find a great man to take my place. As a matter of fact, I am sure he will do much better than me.” “But,” whimpers Catsass, “that is just what they promised us last time!”
- Bishop Ballsoff has a beautiful parrot called Lucy, who knows all sorts of Catholic sermons and songs. However, Lucy does not really care for the Catholic religion, and secretly learns to say, “Down with the Polack pope!” One day, Lucy is sitting by the open window when she starts screaming in a loud voice: “Down with the Polack pope. Down with the Polack pope!” Before long, the Catholic church committee is told about this outrageous noise coming from the bishop’s house. They immediately summon Bishop Ballsoff to appear before them to explain himself.The scene is tense in the church courtroom, with Bishop Ballsoff and Lucy, the parrot, sharing the witness stand. Bishop Ballsoff is testifying that it is Lucy who has been been causing all the trouble. The prosecuting priest approaches Lucy and tries to get her to speak. “Down with the Polack pope!” hisses the prosecutor.But Lucy sits silently. Cardinal Fizz, the judge, comes down from his high-chair and approaches Lucy. He too tries to get her to speak. “Down with Pope the Polack!” he says. But Lucy just blinks and keeps quiet. The twelve priests and nuns in the jury leave their seats and approach the witness stand. “Down with Pope the Polack!” they shout in unison.
But Lucy remains silent. Soon the whole Catholic courtroom is full of noise as everyone tries to get Lucy to say the offending words. “Down with Pope the Polack!” they shout. “Down with the Polack pope!”
Suddenly Lucy flaps her wings, and a deathly silence falls over the courtroom. The parrot looks this way and that, inspecting the Catholics closely. “Okay!” says Lucy, holding up one wing. “Then may God answer your prayers!”
- That old dried-up prune, Mother Teresa, invites that old rotten fruitcake, Pope the Polack, to come and visit her Bleeding Hearts Home for the Dead and Dying in Calcutta. The Polack is thrilled to receive the invitation, so he gets Cardinal Catzass to pack their bags, and they fly off to India. Their first day is spent touring Mother Teresa’s Bleeding Hearts Home, blessing all the half-dead Christian converts.The next morning, the two Catholic cowboys from Rome go out into the streets of Calcutta, to wave at the crowds of starving Hindus. But all day long, Pope the Polack has been acting very strangely. Cardinal Catzass is worried about the old Polack and asks him, “Your Holiness, what is the matter?””Listen,” says the old fruitcake, “as soon as we get back to that Bleeding Hearts Home, the first thing I want to do is rip off Mother Teresa’s knickers!”
“Really?” replies the shocked cardinal. “Why do you want to do that?”
“Because,” says the pope with a groan, “they are much too tight for me!”
- A new young priest, Father Fever, has just arrived at the “Holy Saints of Sack-cloth” monastery. After a couple of weeks he is feeling so disturbed by sexual fantasies that he goes to see the father superior, old Father Fornicate, aged ninety-five.”Ah, Father,” cries Fever, “I am deeply troubled by impure thoughts, and sexual temptations come crowding into my mind — things like doggie-style and sixty-nine, French ticklers and satin panties with pictures of Jesus on them! The more I try to resist them, the more they crowd into my mind.”
“Hmm,” says Father Fornicate, adjusting his robe. “So what would you like to know?”
“Well,” replies Father Fever, perspiring, “you are ninety-five years old and one of the most ancient relics of the church — tell me, how old do you have to be before you are released from the lusts of the flesh?”
“Hmm,” says Father Fornicate, eyeing the young priest. “It takes many years of self-torture and holy prayer before your mind is cleaned of all such wickedness.”
“Really?” asks the young priest. “How many years?”
“Well,” replies old Fornicate with a sigh, “I can tell you that it is more than ninety-five!”
Late one afternoon at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, Saint Peter is inspecting twenty married women who have just arrived for judgment.“Now, girls,” says Saint Peter. “If any of you was ever unfaithful to your husband on earth, please take one step forward! And remember, no lying, and no cheating! I have ways of checking up on you!”Immediately, nineteen of the wives move forward, but one woman remains standing alone. Saint Peter nods quietly to himself and walks over to the telephone. He dials up Hell.“Hello! Satan!” exclaims Saint Peter. “I am sending down twenty unfaithful wives to you — but be careful. One of them is completely deaf!”