Osho on Mother Child Relationship

[The new sannyasin says she is concerned about screaming at her son. Osho asks her to give an example, and she replies: He comes up to his sister and he pinches her and she shrieks. It makes me nervous and so I scream at him to stop it.]

Osho – No, don’t be worried about screaming – not at all. It is natural. Just one thing you have to remember – balance it by loving. There are moments when one wants to scream – and the chil-dren understand that, because they themselves scream. That is really their language. If you are feeling boiling within and you don’t scream, the child feels disturbed very much at what is happening, because it is beyond him to understand. He can feel…. Your very vibe is screaming and you are not screaming; you are even smiling, controlling. The child is disturbed very much by that because he feels the mother is cheating – and they never forgive cheating.

They are always ready to accept truth. Children are very very empirical, very earthy, down to earth. They can accept your screaming because they also scream when they feel like that. They will feel a bridge between you and them if you scream. The only thing to be done is, don’t feel guilty about it, otherwise your guilt will be disturbing. Your guilt will create problems for them. They will start feeling that they are the cause of your guilt; they are making you feel guilty. That will create guilt in them. Guilt creates guilt.

So scream when you feel like it. The only thing to remember is to balance it by love. Then love also madly. When you are screaming at them, you have to love them also, just the same mad way. Hug them, dance with them. They will understand that their mother is wild, and they know that she loves them so she has the right to scream also. If you only scream and don’t love them with intensity and passion, then there is a problem. So the problem does not arise out of screaming. It arises if you don’t balance it by love.

So just go on balancing, that’s all. And be true. If you feel like screaming, you feel like screaming. What can you do? All that you can do is going to be a sort of repression. You can repress it, you can hold it in, but it will come out in indirect ways. And children cannot understand those indirect ways – they are not yet civilised. They don’t know the language of repression. When they have done something wrong, they can understand that they are being beaten, but they cannot understand when they are doing something wrong and they have been caught and you smile. This simply puzles them. It is so unnatural; they cannot believe it. The mother must be faking it, because they cannot do it, so how can you? And of course they are closer to nature than you and they understand nature more than you.

When a child comes and he has done something wrong, he comes ready to be beaten, slapped. If you don’t slap him, his expectations are not fulfilled, he will be frustrated. If you hit him hard, nothing is wrong, only it should be warm. That hit should be warm, not cold – and there is a great difference between the two. A cold hit or a cold slapping comes only if you repress.

For example a child has done something and you have repressed your anger. This was the warm moment. If you had hit him, screamed at him, everything would have been warm and alive, but you repressed it. Later when the child is not doing anything – six hours have passed and he has forgotten completely – you cannot forget; you have repressed it. Now the whole thing has gone cold. Now you find some excuse: ’You have not done your homework! Where is your homework!’ Now this is cold and you are taking revenge – and you will take revenge otherwise it will hang around you. You have to do something otherwise you will not be able to get rid of it.

You find some rational excuse. Screaming was very irrational, but natural. You will find some unnatural but rational excuse – that he has not done his homework or his clothes are dirty or he has not taken a shower today. Now you are angry but your anger is cold. You may get rid of it; that too will be ugly. It is just like eating cold food – it takes long to digest; it becomes heavy on the stomach.

The child cannot understand; it is almost impossible. He has not done anything. He was not expecting this and he has completely forgotten what happened six hours ago. He never carries any memory that long. Then a distrust arises because he thinks the mother is somehow totally different from him. When he has done something wrong, she smiles. And when he has not done anything wrong, she is ready to slap him or scream. And a cold scream is heartless.

So be warm. They are your children, you are their mother. You have to be in a natural, flowing relationship. Don’t listen to what psychologists go on talking about – fifty percent of it is almost rubbish. They have destroyed many beautiful things in the world. Now mothers and fathers are reading their manuals on how to behave with their children. What foolishness! One simply knows… by being a mother you know how to behave. No need to learn from anybody. Just be natural.

These manuals are all to be burned. Listen to nature. You are a mother so you know. No cat goes and consults any manual on how to catch rats. She simply jumps and catches. She is a cat – that’s enough! No certificate is needed, no counsellors are needed. You are a mother – finished! Your mother nature will take care. Just be natural, and always balance. If you are natural it will balance itself. And I am saying it only so you don’t forget it. Otherwise there is a possibility that you can scream and be natural and you may not love them.

And love is not something only in the mind – that you think you love them. Do something – just as you scream. A scream is a physical thing. Sometimes sing and dance also because you have such a beautiful child. Then there is no problem. Sometimes hug him, take him close… Let him feel your body and feel his body. He is part of your body. He needs your warmth. Sometimes take his hand and run around the house… go swimming. Sometimes take him in the shower and stand naked, both stand naked, under the shower, and then he’ll understand perfectly well that his mother is natural; whatsoever she does is right. I don’t see that there is any problem. Good.

Source – Osho Book “Dance Your Way to God”

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