[A sannyasin says: Sometimes when I see you in lecture I just feel angry against you.]
Osho – These things are natural. If you love me, you will sometimes be angry too. You cannot only love. When I accept your love I am also accepting your anger. You don’t have pure love, so how can you offer it to me? Your love is mixed with all kinds of ugly things. When I initiate you into sannyas, I initiate you with all these possibilities: that you will be angry, that you will hate me, that you will think against me, that you will do this and that – all possibilities.
To accept a disciple is not an easy task, because you are accepting a bundle of so many problems. A disciple is not all sweet. If he was all sweet, why should he be a disciple? He carries many bitternesses in him; he will impose and project those bitternesses on the master. The master will become a screen and you will project all kinds of things on him – good and bad both. Sometimes it will be a great experience and you will move into heights, and sometimes you will be falling into valleys of negativity. But this is natural; nothing to be condemned in it.
That time you went thinking to come back – this time you are going thinking not to come; both are perfect. Neither that remained forever nor is this going to remain forever. All passes. By the time you have reached home, you may start feeling love for me again. And this will happen many times – it is a wheel: many times you will come close and you will go far away, and come close and go far away. Slowly slowly you will see the whole absurdity of your mind; then one day you simply drop the whole mind. But that happens only later on.
When for the first time somebody becomes a sannyasin, he is enchanted he is enchanted by my presence. But he has forgotten his own personality. It is like falling in love with a man or a woman: when you fall in love you don’t think about your faults, your limitations. You simply see the beauty of the woman; you don’t think about yourself. But if you start living with the woman, all your faults and all your limitations and your anger and your hatred and jealousy and possessiveness are going to surface. Then you will be surprised – where has that love disappeared to? Where are those beautiful days of the honeymoon? They are all gone and there is only misery; and you had never thought about it.
When you fall in love with me, you are simply thinking of me; you have not thought about yourself. But sooner or later you will have to think about yourself. If you don’t, I will force you to think about yourself. I will have to throw you back to yourself, and when you see who you are, where you are, all these things are bound to arise and disturb.
But all is good – this too is perfectly good. So what? – this time you are going in a different mood. This time you are moving back in the night, that time you moved in the day. But the day is gone, so the night will go; the day will come again and the night will fall – unless you decide one day to drop all kinds of moods and just be with me without any mood between me and you, neither love nor hate. Then the disciple has really come to the master, when there is neither love nor hate. That is total surrender. Love cannot be total surrender, because love has to imply the hate in itself. It is a double-bind; hate is always intrinsic in it. When one day you come and you surrender all moods… and remember, good moods also have to be surrendered.
What do people go on doing? They go on doing one thing: the positive is good, it is so sweet, so they want to have it, and the negative is bitter and they don’t want to have it. But this is the whole problem of life. It is not only with a master; it is everywhere: you choose only half. Then who is going to have the other half? – and it comes in the same package. It cannot be divided; you have to choose that too. If you choose at all, you have to choose both, otherwise don’t choose. Then they both disappear. Either they are both together or they both disappear, but you cannot divide.
Slowly slowly you will see the point: in the beginning a disciple comes through love and then one day the wheel turns and he hates, he is angry, he protests and he resists. Finally, the awareness happens that you cannot relate through love, otherwise hate is bound to be there. Then the disciple leaves both. Then there is nothing between the disciple and the master – not even love, because even love is a disturbance. The disciple is simply there in the presence, with no expectation, with no desire. It has a great beauty in it.
That day real initiation happens, and after that day there is no change; one has come to the point of no return. That will also come if you can wait, if you can be patient. If you can’t wait, if you can’t be patient, you miss this opportunity. So don’t be worried.
And remember one thing more: never take any decision too early. Wait, just remember that this will pass, this will go away. The problem only arises when people take a decision when they are negative. Then they start thinking ’Leave sannyas, forget all about it.’ If you take a decision when you are negative, then you miss the opportunity, you close the door. Then it will become very very difficult for you to come back. Your ego will feel hurt. Now what to say and how to go back? And it happens every day…. There are a few sannyasins who leave sannyas when they are angry – they will throw the mala into the sea – but then the mood passes and they start repenting. Then it becomes very difficult for them to come because they feel guilty, and even if they come, the guilt lingers on. To ask for sannyas again looks as if you are asking too much; you have misbehaved. And then they have to find explanations.
One sannyasin just wrote a few days before…. He runs a centre and he called all the sannyasins of the area for a meeting. Some sannyasins criticised him very much saying that his way of running the centre was wrong, that through the way he was doing things Osho’s presence was not felt in the centre at all.
He became very angry. He went to the sea, and he heard an inner voice ’Throw the mala into the sea.’ So he threw the mala into the sea. Then he heard another voice ’Now throw yourself!’ That he didn’t do. (laughter) Now he writes to me that he could not do that. But then he should not have done the first either! If you are not courageous enough to follow the inner voice… if it is really the inner voice you should follow it. But to throw the mala is so easy – to throw yourself is risky.
So now he is worried, feeling guilty. Now he wants to come and is afraid that he has done something wrong. Wait. The negative moment comes – wait and watch and it will go. And finally one has to remain available for the ultimate, when both can be dropped. Then you are with me. Then it is no more a relationship and there is no possibility of its breaking because it is no more a relationship. It is communion – it is no more a communication.
Source – Osho Book “The Madman’s Guide to Enlightenment”