[A sannyasin says: I feel that everything I do is always done with a reluctance about it. It’s like a weight and it keeps me from fully being there in anything – in meditation, in work, in relationships…. I used to label it fear… ]
Osho – They are related things. Maybe a part is also fear. Just because you label emotions, they are not separate. They are all interrelated. If you are reluctant to do something, a part of it may be fear because you are afraid to abandon yourself in anything completely. You are afraid to lose control. You are afraid to commit yourself. You only go to a certain extent and then you stop, because going further than that can be dangerous.
You may not be able to come back again. It may be going beyond the point of no return. A part must be fear. Fear is very very basic, just like love. These two are the very basic things – love and fear – and both are opposite polarities. If there is much fear, there will be less love. If you drop fear, then there will be more love. It is the same energy. When it is negative, it is fear.
When it is positive, it is love. If you love, you will abandon yourself; you will go to the furthest point possible. You don’t bother then about control or controlling. You are streaming, flowing. You are liquid and you can melt with the surroundings. You are not afraid to melt. You are not afraid of life, not afraid of death. You love. You love life, you love death. You love whatsoever happens and there is no reluctance.
It is not that you go only to a certain point. Now you go the whole way. You go so far that you disappear. And that’s how abundant life happens. So there must be fear, otherwise why should one be reluctant? And if you are reluctant in one thing, you will be reluctant in all things. In fact if happiness comes, you will be reluctant to allow it. You will allow it only up to a certain point, just so far, and then you will stop and close yourself, because if happiness is too much, you are no more there. You will not allow laughter. You will not allow crying and weeping.
You will not allow anything. You will remain lukewarm in everything that you do. This can be very dangerous because this is losing contact with life. This is crippling yourself. It is a sort of paralysis so you cannot move, and you are not free to move. A certain inner mechanism clicks and you stop, you close. Life happens only when you have forgotten how to control. Controlled people are dead people. They control everything – not only of the mind but of the body also.
You must not be breathing as totally as you should breathe, because there also the control comes in. So start by breathing. It is always good to start with the body. The work is easier because it is with the gross. The body is more visible and you can feel it easily. Then we will start working with the mind. Whenever you remember, have a deep breath. Never start by inhaling; start by exhaling. Exhalation is going into the world. You breathe out… you pour yourself into the world. Then you breathe in; the world enters you.
This is a beautiful dialogue with the world. Breathing is a miracle. The world comes into you continuously and you go into the world. It is a continuous love making with the world. The vitality flows in you and then you pour the vitality back into the world. Start by exhaling, because if you exhale deeply, the reluctance will go. If you exhale deeply, you will inhale deeply automatically; there is no problem in it. You create the situation: exhale so deeply that the whole is poured out. Then the body will suck deeply. So don’t start by inhalation. If you inhale deeply that may not be a really deep inhalation because the air that is already inside may function as a barrier.
[Osho said that she should take care to breathe by the belly rather than the chest, and that she should be aware of her breathing throughout the day. She could make it a point at times during the day to exhale and then inhale deeply, and then to tell Osho after three weeks what was happening.]
And if subtle tremblings arise in the body, don’t be afraid. If a certain tingling sensation goes through the body, don’t be afraid. If by deep breathing suddenly you feel a great upsurge of sexuality, don’t be afraid. That will happen.
Deep down you have been suppressing. You have been trying to be tough, hard. You have learned a wrong lesson somewhere in your childhood – that the world is a deep struggle. It is in a way. Many people learn the lesson that it is a very hard struggle and that you have to be tough and you have to fight. So you have learned how to fight, but you have forgotten how to love. Even in your love, fight is more emphatic than love.
So start this breathing. And enjoy it. Just by sheer breathing you can come to a subtle orgasm in the whole body. The whole body can be infused with new energy. You can vibrate all over and you can see many parts of your body that you have denied. becoming alive again. So enjoy that, because the more you enjoy it, the more the body will fall into a pattern. Many people, millions of people, are not totally in their bodies. Some have denied some parts, some others have denied some other parts. People are living partial lives.
When you feel that the body is really alive, then tell me after three weeks how you are feeling. Is your reluctance the same, or is there a change? Have you become more outgoing? Have you become more capable of uncontrolling yourself? Is the rigidity the same or less? Then I will give you another exercise and for two or three months you will have to work with it. You will become perfectly alive. There is nothing to be worried about, mm? Good!